Bed time story mass effect version
by Revan Sama
Summary: This is the mass effect version of my dragon age fanfiction. After defeating the reapers, Shepard is married with Tali, Both live on the quarian homeworld with their son Rael, and three 'uncles' came to visit... No need to say more.


Rannoch.

A beautiful and peaceful planet both at day and at night.

...After there was no more geth on it, of course.

It was a wonderful evening for those who were living there.

Everyone was getting to bed to join the city of dreams.

Everything was wonderful.

Unless you are at the Shepard's home.

Unless you are in a particular room with a Turian, a Krogan, a scientist salarian, and the Shepard's child.

Besides that, everything was fine... really... fine...

...

"Once upon a time..." started the Turian.

"That's lame Turian. Can't you be more original? Trust a Turian to come up with something original is like trusting the salarian with a gun." said the Krogan

"Yes. Good point Grunt... if only we could say the same to you..." replied Mordin solus the scientist salarian.

"Yeah !... Wait... what?" Grunt frowned, confused.

"Shut up." Garrus glared at Grunt. "Oh, so you think you can do better, Krogan?

"Of course I can."

"Hell no, I'm the one here who will tell him a fucking sto-"

"Uncle Garrus..."

The young son of the Shepard family, Rael Shepard (named after his grandfather), was waiting for his bed time story with a certain degree of impatience.  
Suddenly Garrus just remembered that Tali would be upset if he or another one cursed around her son or made him cry.  
And an upset Tali mean... Well...A lot of blood with a broken nose, carving trips and shotgun in the ass.

Oh, it wasn't that he was scared of her or something.

What kind of a man would be afraid of a woman?

It was just... that it... would be rather... Unpleasant.

Somehow in the deep of his mind, he remembered what Tali wanted to do with the racist volus on the citadel years ago.

... Maybe it would be better if he watched his language a bit. At least for tonight while he was with the little brat.

Oh, don't get him wrong, Garrus liked Rael, and not only because he was the son of the hero of the galaxy.  
The young boy was really something.  
He had the innocence and studer of his mother when she was nervous, and the green eyes and the passion of his father.

Luke Shepard...

Before he could think furthermore, Garrus felt a tug on his arm.

"Yeah, yeah, I know my boy I'm sorry, let's start from the beginning."

Rael nodded and waited for the story.

"How about I start the story this time?" asked Grunt with a small grin on his face.

"You? what could you possibly tell..." replied an annoyed Garrus

"Something better than what your shit Turian brain could make. Beside it's my turn."

"Fine...Have it your way...Just don't cry if your story suck..."

Grunt decided to ignore Garrus and tell his story.

"Once upon a time..." Grunt began.

"-Cough-_Copy cat_-cough..."

"GARRUS!" shouted the angry krogan.

"Okay okay, I will keep my mouth shut."

Mordin muttered lowly. "For once..."

Grunt glared at the offensive Turian and annoying salarian before he continued.

"One day, while my great-grandfather Skarr was taking his annual bath, someone stole his clothes."

Before Grunt could continue his story, he was rudely interrupted ...AGAIN... by two horrified Garrus and Mordin.

"An _annual_ bath?! That's gross!"

"An _annual _bath?! That is disgusting!"

Grunt twitched. He decided to proceed calmly for the sake of shepard's son.

"I haven't finished yet."

"That is why I am worried." murmured Mordin.

Grunt ignored the annoying Salarian.

"Well, as he hasn't found the culprit, he avenged himself."

Garrus wasn't any better as he said sarcastically, "It's _**very**_ interesting."

Grunt twitched even more.

"Will you just shut up and let me finish the damn story...**_Gayrrus_**?"

"WHAT?!"

Garrus was going to do something...rather unpleasant to grunt until Rael asked :

"U-uncle G-Grunt...Why do y-you call uncle Garrus, **_Gayrrus_**?"

"Because like every Turian in this galaxy, his 'hair' looks like a bird's butt. Very gay in my opinion."

**_This . Means . War . Krogan !_**

"W-What is ga-"

"Just hurry up with the story !" interupt Garrus.

Grunt ignored the offensive Turian and continue his story.

"He has dug into the stockroom and he made underpants of iron !"

_Silence..._

"Your joke is as empty as the void between your ears...'" said Mordin.

Grunt lost count of how many times he twitched.

Before he could strangle the scientist, Garrus said :

"Never mind... So these... underpants… what about them?"

Garrus put one hand on his face. _I can't believe I said that._

"Well, finally they gave him the name 'Skarr Bright-Ass!' Hehehe hehehehe hahaha...hem 'cough' "

_Silence..._

_More silence..._

_Worse than silence..._

Mordin had to ask, even if it endangered his life doing so.

"Is... this... Krogan humor?"

Grunt, rather proud of his story, said, "Oh yeah it's a famous story-joke on Tuchanka !"

Garrus gathered all his courage and diplomacy to try the impossible: Not Angering Grunt by saying that his story was... not funny.

Miracle tried.

"Honestly... it's...really... What we mean to say...is..."

"Was the worst story I ever heard, Salarians know better one, can't even be compared with it." Mordin declared.

Miracle failed.

"Thanks a lot Mordin."

"My pleasure, always try to help." Mordin beamed.

Grunt was very angry. No, angry was a word too small to describe his wrath.

"What the hell do you mean 'worst story' ? You son of a..."

"Shut up!" Garrus yelled. "You're scaring Rael."

The three of them looked at young lad, who was on the verge of tears.

This wasn't good, if Rael was upset and Tali knew about it...

It would mean only two things.

The gallows (if quarian have any) or having Chikktika vas Paus torture them slowly with sharp objects.

If young Rael Shepard's vision wasn't blurry because of his tears, he would have seen Garrus shaking, white face and murmuring something like, "We are dead, we are so dead...'

"No, no, no, please don't cry Rael! Whatever you do, don't cry." pleaded a panicking Garrus.

"Ha ! I didn't know that You were so scared of quarian whore and-" Before he could continue, Garrus and Mordin put quickly their hand over Grunt's mouth.

Unfortunately, it was too late! The question had to be asked.

"Uncle Grunt... What's a whore?"

Garrus had only one thought.

_**Shit!**_

They had to think quickly of a way to answer the question without upsetting Rael nor breaking his innocence yet. And hope that Tali wouldn't hear any of it.

Mordin was the first to speak.

"What he means to say is... Well... your uncle Grunt was raised because of the fear of the WAR."

Garrus continued the little lie.

"Yeah. Like your father - he became the hero of the galaxy because of the war against the reapers."

"And he has grown mature because of it." said Mordin.

Grunt was confused "What the hell are you talking about? I mea..."

"Shut up !" Said Garrus in a slow treating voice.

Rael looked at his three "uncles," a bit confused.

"So... Daddy became a man... because of a whore?"

"YES ! Clever boy." Garrus grinned, patting the head of the young half quarian boy.

And his worst mistake would have been to think that he said "war" instead of "whore."

Rael giggled and smiled.

"I-I want to be a m-man too,.. Like Daddy and Uncle Garrus, Mordin and Grunt!"

"Cute" Mordin beamed.

"Garrus and Mordin? A man?" mocked Grunt.

Garrus ignored him. "Hey, how about we all go to the _**beach**_ tomorrow with Shepard and show Rael how to be a man?"

"An excellent proposition Garrus. I will show him how to-"

"No way! I will teach him how to use a shotgun. You can't be a man if you can't use a shotgun!"

"I will show him how to use a sniper. Who knows, maybe he will be Archangel n°2!"

They continued on and on about who would teach what to Rael.

However, they weren't aware about another mistake they had made.

Rael was looking at his three uncles and muttered to himself.

"... B-Bitch?"

...

"BITCH !" He giggled.

The three looked at him, horrified.

_**No...**_

_**Fucking...**_

_**Way...**_

_----_

This time, Tali was pleased with her guests. They didn't do anything to upset her son (she heard him giggling), they didn't do anything that could break the house – like last time...

After the last incident in her house, she had warned them that if any of them showed up again, she would not hesitate to obliterate their offending presence with a shotgun.

But they liked Rael very much and he liked them too. So she forgave them... for now.

The three uncles were about to leave, when a small sleepy voice came from behind them.

"Mommy..."

Immediately Rael was in his mother's arms. He giggled when she muttered soft, sweet things in his ears.

"Aww..." said Garrus.

"Touching." said Mordin.

"It's a trap to lure to the dark side." said Grunt.

Tali didn't seems to have heard any of the three comment...or maybe she was ignoring them.

"What is it, love? Why aren't you sleeping? It's past midnight."

Rael looked up at his mother and grinned.

"You know Mommy..."

Garrus had a bad feeling about this. "Maybe... we should... go...away"

"Yes... I don't feel so... have some research to do." agreed Mordin.

"Let's get out of here!" said Grunt.

But before they could get to the door...

"Uncle Garrus, Mordin and Grunt said that Daddy _**grew**_ into a man because of _**whores**_ and they will bring me to a _**bitch**_ tomorrow to make me a man too. Isn't it great?" beamed the young half quarian.

_Silence._

_More silence._

_Worse than silence._

_...Okay now this is getting ridiculous._

Tali didn't say anything.

Maybe there was still hope in living after all.

So they thought...Even without seeing her face they could see that her eyes said only one thing: MURDER!...But not any murder...TALI MURDER!!!

...

_It is said that their bodies were never found and that they were defeated by something worse than the reapers... An angry housewife quarian.  
Their screams would haunt the planet Rannoch forever._...

"Dare I ask what happened here?" asked a rather confused Shepard upon discovering a crying Garrus, a castrated Grunt and a beaten Mordin outside his house.

"No... You don't..." replied the three broken, beaten, bloody men.

END...?


End file.
